GUEST POST – #IsHeHereYet : Being the Person You Want to Be With by Tony Ortega, PSY.D. – #Excerpt #Giveaway

Posted on May 24, 2018May 23, 2018 by Addison Albright Leave a comment

Please join me in welcoming Dr. Tony Ortega to my blog. Dr. Ortega is here today to speak about his new book, #IsHeHereYet: Being the Person You Want to Be With, and to explore the topic: Why you keep attracting the ‘wrong’ people.

Book Info

Book Title: #IsHeHereYet: Being the person you want to be with
Author: Dr. Tony Ortega
Publisher: Ortega Psychology LLC
Genre/s: Non-Fiction, Self-Help, LGBT, Dating/Relationships, Motivational, Psychology
Length: 172 pages

Goodreads

Summary

#IsHeHereYet: Being the Person You Want to Be With is an extremely raw (and funny) look at the perceived epidemic of being single in our quest for love. It dismantles the notion that there is something that we need to do in order to bring in “The One.” Instead, it challenges you to be “The One” and see what shows up then. Regardless of the outcome, the end result will be the best version of you possible. This book is geared toward single and partnered people alike. Through personal and professional accounts of real life situations, as well as thought expanding exercises and meditation tools, the reader will leave with a greater understanding and concept of themselves. They will be able to “date themselves” and create the space to naturally attract loving and authentic relationships.

Purchase

Available on Kindle Unlimited

Availability: Paperback, eBook, International distribution

Amazon US | Amazon UK

Excerpt

They say your deepest pain becomes your greatest purpose. And this pain was fucking deep.

The catalyst of this book was a breakup. It is ironic that a breakup influenced the development of a relationship book; or, maybe not so ironic. For centuries, artists have created beautiful things from unrequited love. A broken heart has been at the foundation of many of history’s greatest masterpieces.

So, here is a little history: I pride myself on being a very accomplished man. Most of my endeavors are met with a great deal of success. However, there was one area that had eluded me most of my life: relationships. I was convinced I was doomed to be single—as every relationship with a guy I ever had ended in a disaster. I was so miserable being single that I would do everything in my power not to be single. When relationships ended, I did everything I could to avoid the pain. I thought I wasn’t good enough for relationships.

I lived in this story for many, many years. As relationships kept failing, I would shake my fist at God, or see myself as “different” or “less than” because of it. This all led to me getting into some very dark places in my life.

The evening of Friday, November 2, 2012, I was sitting on the toilet in my apartment in Queens, half drunk on frozen margaritas, smoking a Marlboro Light, and arguing with my “boyfriend” over forty dollars. (I use the word “boyfriend” in quotations because it was a relationship he had no idea he was in.) At that moment, I woke up—with a deep knowing that this relationship was over. I felt so pathetic that I ended the conversation, took a long last drag off the cigarette, and knew something had to change.

I decided to take hold of the wheel of my life and change direction. Over the next couple of years, the right people, the right books, and the right programs came my way. While some bounced in and out just to jumpstart my spiritual path, others have remained, mainly my study of the metaphysical text A Course in Miracles. It was the teachings in this text, combined with my spiritual and metaphysical work, which led me to unravel the things I was using to numb out and begin to feel more alive.

After beginning my spiritual journey and immersing myself in A Course in Miracles, I decided to work with a life coach; someone who seemed to have the well-rounded kind of life that I wanted— including a wonderful relationship. A relationship was one of the things I had not yet been able to successfully work out at the time, maybe because I was avoiding, or too busy working on myself. Through my work with this coach, I was able to rewrite the scripts I had been living under for most of my life and dive head first into the dating pool. It was easy at first, and I still stumbled on many occasions as my dating muscles had atrophied quite a bit in the years that I had not exercised them, but I kept taking that next right step.

On March 3, 2016, I met Fernando, the man of my dreams (or so I thought back then). While we had been talking for months online, we had not met before our date. I turned him down for sex over and over again as I was initially not really into him. But I began to think he seemed to have all the qualities I wanted in a man, which is why I continued to hold off on a one-night stand. He was equal parts sexual and spiritual. He was gainfully employed and seemed as motivated to work on himself as I was.

Fernando even matched most of the qualities I had listed in my “Manventory” I had completed New Year’s Day 2016 (more on Manventories later). I figured, Let’s meet and see what happens. When I first met him, I was like, Homeboy photographs a lot better than he looks in person. After chatting with him for a while over drinks and then ending the date with an intense make-out session in the streets of New York City, I was smitten.

However, there were some speed bumps along the way. He was dealing with some personal issues that I felt would get in the way of anything blossoming from our union, but something told me to give him a chance. I made myself wrong for feeling this way and dove in with my eyes closed. We had a lovely relationship that lasted sixty-nine days. It wasn’t perfect, but it broke my then eight-year dry spell, and I was in love.

After a few weeks, he even said, “I love you.” This was thrilling because no one had said that to me in such a long time. I thought that I had achieved the prize from all my hard work since that fateful Friday night in 2012. I had learned my lessons from all my previous failed relationships and now found what I was longing for.

He even gave me the title of “boyfriend,” which only lasted seventy-two hours before he decided to take it away.

I turned into a state of fear for the remainder of the relationship and he ended things quite abruptly on May 10, 2016. I was devastated.

For the next six weeks, I felt completely at a loss over what to do to manage the pain. I numbed it through alcohol and sex. When I was more rational, I searched the Internet for books on gay relationships and breakups, but everything was so out of date. My coach was very supportive, but he was still in his wonderful relationship, and I felt like I couldn’t relate to him because he had what I wanted and but just lost. This is no reflection of his capacities as a life coach. On the contrary, the man is simply amazing. I just had to go through the emotions.

I decided that if there wasn’t a good, up-to-date, dating and breakup book for gay men, then I would write it. I was fed up with the “single-to-relationship” books that were currently on the market. It seemed that all of these particular books were “do this and get the relationship.” I decided it was time to write a dating and relationship book that was more along the lines of “do this, be the person, see what shows up.” At the time of writing this book, I am still single and dating.

☆ Guest Post ☆

Why you keep attracting the ‘wrong’ people
by Dr Tony Ortega

Attracting the wrong people can be boiled down to two things: We are either not clear on what we want and/or we are not clear on who we are. What, you mean I am responsible for part of this? Yes, you are, but this also means you can do so many things to stop this pattern of attracting the wrong person. Let’s begin, shall we?

With regard to getting clear on what you want, simply write down all the things you would like in an ideal mate. Go crazy. List them all. Once you are done, go over the list, get realistic and cross out the things are not going to happen no matter what (such as my fixation on Channing Tatum—not gonna happen). When you have completed this revised list, look at the items that are dealbreakers for you and the items where you have some wiggle room with. For instance, if it is a must for you that your ideal mate is not a drug user, then this is a deal-breaker item. You will know that when a person discloses that they are an active drug user, this is not the person for you.

However, if you would like for your ideal mate to have some passion for eating more vegetarian, and this is not a firm requirement but rather a personal preference, then this is a wiggle room item. Once you have considered every list item in this way, take some quiet time to yourself. With this list, get into a space of feeling what it would feel like if you were with this person your list describes. While you won’t necessarily know how it would feel because you are likely not with this person at the moment, you can picture what it could feel like. By doing this, you will have a better chance of knowing when it does arrive. Now, you will be very clear on what it is that you want.

Getting clear on who you are may be more of a daunting task; however, it will yield very high rewards. This will need to be an ongoing process of clearing up your past and getting so okay with who you are in the present. It will take you getting very mindful of who you are right now and how you want to show up in the world. It will take you focusing on the potential of your being-ness and not the lack. At some point, you would need to ask yourself the question, “Would I date me?” But answer this question authentically. No one will know but you.

Author Bio/Links

Dr Tony Ortega is a first-generation Cuban American gay man. He is a licensed clinical psychologist, life coach, and author who has been in practice since 1992, currently serving the LGBTQ population in his private practice located in Brooklyn, New York. Tony (along with his teaching partner, John Davisi) is the co-creator of the movement, RawSexySpiritual: Spirituality for Gay Men (www.rawsexyspiritual.com). Tony combines cognitive behavioural techniques along with active coaching and metaphysical principles in his work with clients. Additionally, Tony provides spiritual life coaching for individuals seeking a different way to live. He works with his clients within these three principles: Rewrite Your Story, Find Your Voice, and Live Authentically.